The Diddy Lessons: Episode 1

We can all learn a little something from Diddy. Or so 13 wanna-be personal assistants would like us to think. They are vying for the role of Diddy's Bitch on his new reality TV show, "I Want To Work for Diddy." What a cast of characters this is. It is like "The Apprentice" goes hood -- do we expect anything else? Well no, not from the same man who gave us Babs, Dylan and the dreadful Aubrey in the trainwreck that is the Making the Band series. But if the lucky 13 believes there is something to learn from Diddy, apparently there is and every week I will list what I learn from Mr. Combs.

Hmm, let me check my notes.

1. Never start an interview with dance moves. Enough said.

2. If you want to work for Diddy or one of his many companies -- apparently all you need to do is be his assistant. You too could be Director of Marketing, main stylist or Director of Special Events with at least one year in the "Diddy Assistant Boot Camp." *sigh* This says so much about why Bad Boy Entertainment has not reached the greatness it once was a long (long) time ago. You know, way back in 1998.

3. Do not under any circumstance go in his office and say you are tired. He apparently quickly reminds you what word rhymes with it (starts with an "f") and his security will promptly come to escort you out. Advice to the lucky 13, adopt "Can't stop, won't stop" as your motto.

4. No matter if it's Daddy's House or the White House -- always answer the red phone! What kind of assistant doesn't pay attention to the one thing that they were TOLD to pay attention to? Apparently Deon thought this is the way to deal with the madness that is Diddy's life. Ignore it. He cost his team two crucial tasks for this foolish move. And this is after he proved that multi-tasking was also not a strength of his. "We're getting so many different directions." Duh. Hope he can follow the directions back to the street next week.

5. Do not proclaim to be an "expert" of anything because it will always come back to bite you in the ass at the wrong moment. Georgette was supposed to be the "expert" mortgage broker in charge of counting the money because that is what she does -- deal with money. And where did she lead her team? Straight to Loserville. "How can she manage millions of dollars on behalf of Mr. Combs, when she can't manage two grand?" Who can really argue with that dagger Kim stabbed her with. But, I knew Georgette was going to be on her way out when she didn't want to take off her shoes "to not embarrass Mr. Combs." Really, well...I bet it was more embarrassing to get escorted out the backdoor by security. Just a thought.

6. Never underestimate the "big girl." Mo'Nique says it all the time, "Skinny bitches are evil." Well, so are big girls. Kim started the interview process by proclaiming to be "Po-Prah" -- yeah, whatever the hell that means? Kim unleashed a diva beatdown on her opponents throughout the entire show. They tried to take her down, but this fat lady wasn't singing. Rather, she verbally murdered them in the boardroom showdown and left them all stunned (myself included). And to those that talked shit about her earlier, I feel sorry for you all. "Po-Prah" doesn't look like she leaves it all in the boardroom.

And so much to look forward to this season: trip to Paris, fights, tears, cheering and of course betrayal. As the man who gave us "bitchassness," Diddy leaves you with this: "If you can't see the forest for the trees, you need to chop that muthafucker down!" Ah, a man after my own heart.